Your Questions Answered, With Gunnery Sergeant Hartman

Dear Gunnery Sergeant Hartman,
I think I may be addicted to adrenalin rushes – in fact you might even say that I regularly feel the need … the need for speed – but as I get older it’s becoming more and more obvious that I’m trying too hard to prove myself in front of actors and directors that are half my age. Just the other day, for example, I decided to stand outside of the door of a military plane as it ascended to 5,000 feet, even though the studio heads repeatedly told me that experienced stunt actors were available and keen to try it out for themselves. In the past I’ve dangled from the world’s tallest building, I’ve run over the top of cars that are actually moving and I’ve even leapt around like crazy on a chat show couch, but I’m concerned about where all this is leading. Am I going to attempt to jump over an active volcano crater? Will I end up walking a tightrope line suspended between the twin Petronas Towers of Kuala Lumpur? Am I going to be deemed ‘too crazy’ to even play Evil Knievel in the inevitable Evil Knievel biopic? I’m worried, and need some advice.
Best,
Tom C, Los Angeles

Dear Tom,
The deadliest weapon in the world is a Marine and his rifle. It is your killer instinct which must be harnessed if you expect to survive in combat. Your rifle is only a tool. It is a hard heart that kills. If your killer instincts are not clean and strong you will hesitate at the moment of truth. You will not kill. You will become dead marines and then you will be in a world of shit because marines are not allowed to die without permission. Do you maggots understand?
Hope that helps,
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman

Dear Gunnery Sergeant Hartman,
As a maker of tough, uncompromising and critically-lauded films about American military operations during the war on terror – as well as, er, surf-crime dramas with Keanu Reeves – I’m often on the lookout for advice from those who actually have current ties to the army. What I’d really like if possible is some inside information as to which country we’re going to … visit … next, so that I can start my research early. I’ve heard rumours that it’s going to either be North Korea or somewhere in South America. We haven’t been there in a while, I guess, but have you heard anything specific yourself?
Sincerely,
Kathryn B, Los Angeles

Dear Kathryn,
Today… is Christmas! There will be a magic show at zero-nine-thirty! Chaplain Charlie will tell you about how the free world will conquer Communism with the aid of God and a few Marines! God has a hard-on for Marines because we kill everything we see! He plays His games, we play ours! To show our appreciation for so much power, we keep heaven packed with fresh souls! God was here before the Marine Corps! So you can give your heart to Jesus, but your ass belongs to the Corps! Do you ladies understand?
Hope that helps,
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman

Dear Gunnery Sergeant Hartman,
I may well be paranoid but I think the Academy has it in for me. I’ve been nominated for four Oscars now but each time I’ve been beaten by complete hacks like Tommy Lee Jones, Forest Whitaker, Jamie Foxx and now fucking McConaughey. I mean, come on. The McConnaisance? Five years ago he was that Texan doofus from the Kate Hudson films that Linklater occasionally took pity on. And to cap it all I had to let him steal that scene from me in The Wolf Of Wall Street. And look, it’s not just recent years. If you want to go way back look at Titanic. 14 Oscar nominations and I’m the guy who misses out on one? Anyone would think it’s a conspiracy. Got any advice for me pal?
Warm regards,
Leo DC, Los Angeles

Dear Leo,
Are you quitting on me? Well, are you? Then quit, you slimy fucking walrus-looking piece of shit! Get the fuck off of my obstacle! Get the fuck down off of my obstacle! Now! Move it! Or I’m going to rip your balls off, so you cannot contaminate the rest of the world! I will motivate you, Private Pyle, if it short-dicks every cannibal on the Congo!
Hope that helps,
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman

imagesGunnery Sergeant Hartman is a syndicated columnist and fellow of the American Guild Of Agony Uncles. His advice column appears in 74 newspapers daily and he has a war face.

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