Your Questions Answered, With Don Logan

Dear Don,
Hi, I’m hoping you can help me. I’m working on a major new film to be released next year that has the word ‘Wars’ and ‘Star’ in the title and I’m having to deal with a lot of outside interference. For example just the other day we released our first teaser trailer and less than ten minutes later I had the creator of the series on the phone – let’s call him Lucas George for argument’s sake – telling me he was disappointed by the lack of CGI and talk about trade embargoes and senate committees. He phoned me fifteen times on Saturday night alone requesting that I add an extra three blades to our fancy new lightsaber shots. Uh … I mean ‘generic sword’ shots.I told him I wanted to go back to the original feel of this series but he won’t listen. He’s supposed to be retired. Can you give me some advice as to what I should do without offending the guy?
Many thanks,
JJ, Los Angeles

Dear JJ,
Shut up, c***. You louse. You got some f**kin’ neck ain’t you. Retired? F**k off, you’re revolting. Look at your suntan, it’s leather, it’s like leather man, your skin. We could make a f**king suitcase out of you. Like a crocodile, fat crocodile, fat bastard. You look like f**king Idi Amin, you know what I mean? Stay here? You should be ashamed of yourself. Who do you think you are? King of the castle? Cock of the walk? What you think this is the wheel of fortune? You think you can make your dough and f**k off? Leave the table? Thanks Don, see you Don, off to sunny Spain now Don, f**k off Don. Lying in your pool like a fat blob laughing at me, you think I’m gonna have that? You really think I’m gonna have that, ya ponce. All right, I’ll make it easy for you. God knows you’re f**king trying. Are you gonna do the job? It’s not a difficult question, are you gonna do the job, yes or no?
Hope that helps,

Dear Don,
Look, I’ll keep this brief. People have been ridiculing me for years because of the number of explosions in my films. But if I’m going to leave out the explosions what the hell am I supposed to put in there instead? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Michael B, Los Angeles

Dear Michael,
Not this time, Gal. Not this time. Not this f**king time. No. No no no no no no no no no! No! No no no no no no no no no no no no no! No! Not this f**king time! No f**king way! No f**king way, no f**king way, no f**king way! You’ve made me look a right c**t!
Hope that helps,

Dear Don,
I can’t really name names but this elderly Jewish New Yorker keeps phoning me and saying that he’s got the perfect script for me. The trouble is whenever I actually read the script in question my character always seems to be kissing other women. I don’t have any problem with other people doing that but I’m heterosexual and it just seems a little creepy to me, like the part has been written simply for this old guy’s titillation, you know? And then there’s the locations for these films – it always seems to involve a protracted five-month shoot in some lushly-romantic part of Europe. I keep telling him I know what Europe’s really like, he should come with me to the UK, where they just eat chips and dodge pigeons, but he keeps prattling on about Tuscany and Paris and Rome. Should I go ex-directory?
Yours warmly,
Scarlett J, Los Angeles

Dear Scarlett,
I f**ked Jackie. Dirty cow. During what we were doing, she tried to stick her finger up my bum. I nearly hit the roof, you can imagine. I mean, what have you got to think of a woman who’d want to do that?
Hope that helps,

DonDon Logan is a syndicated columnist and member of the British Association Of Agony Uncles. His advice column appears in 26 weekly periodicals.

Comments 8

  1. Todd Benefiel November 30, 2014

    Ha! I’m indeed one f**king idiot…I’m just now realizing the answers are actual film quotes! Here I thought you were dreaming up these ‘responses’ yourself…but then, I sensed that first response to ‘JJ of LA’ didn’t quite have the same tone as your usual profanity-laced rants. Now, the big question is, do I win some sort of monetary prize for knowing what movie the responses are from?

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