Your Christmas Questions Answered, With Willie From Bad Santa

Dear Willie,
Oscar time is nearing once again, and I’m being tipped to pick up another golden statuette for my latest performance, but I’m going to be up against some seriously big names. It would be the greatest Christmas present ever if you could just find it in your heart to give me some inside voting information and let me know if I need to clear some space on the mantelpiece. Can you give me an inkling?
Reese W, Los Angeles

Dear Reese,
I’ve been to prison once, I’ve been married – twice. I was once drafted by Lyndon Johnson and had to live in shit-ass Mexico for 2 1/2 years for no reason. I’ve had my eye socket punched in, a kidney taken out and I got a bone-chip in my ankle that’s never gonna heal. I’ve seen some pretty shitty situations in my life, but nothing has ever sucked more ass than this.
Hope that helps,

Dear Willie,
Some insulting emails about me recently surfaced, and as a result I’m afraid that my good reputation has been somewhat tarnished. I’ve just released my debut feature as a director and the timing couldn’t have been worse. My husband says that the men who wrote emails about me all have very tiny wieners and that they feel threatened by anyone who doesn’t throw their weight about via email. Should I write an open letter to the New York Times or just forgive and forget? This is the season to be jolly, after all.
Yours with love,
Angelina J, Los Angeles

Dear Angelina,
What are you, Sigmund Sawed-Off F**kin’ Freud?
Hope that helps,

Dear Willie,
I recently finished work on my sixth film in a long series about elves and orcs and dwarves and wizards and all the other stuff that grown adults really should leave to their kids to enjoy. It has taken me between 15 and 20 years to complete, but now that it’s finished with I don’t know what to do with myself. I have two projects ready to go if I want to make them: one is a small independent film set in Montana about a young couple who inherit a quarry and restore it to its former glory, while the other is a small independent film set in Ohio about a young couple who decide to live in an abandoned water tower. Basically I want to get as far away from the fantasy genre as possible but I’m not sure which one to pick of those two. Any ideas which would make the better Christmas film for 2015?
Peter J, Wellington

Dear Peter,
Why don’t you wish in one hand, and shit in the other? See which one fills up first.
Hope that helps,

bad-santa300x220Santa Willie is a syndicated columnist and member of the American Association Of Agony Uncles. His advice column appears all year except when he’s working in mall grottos, in jail or in rehab.

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