LaBoeuf: Todger

LaBoeuf: Todger

Yes indeed, folks, it’s that time of year again. The Golden Globes have been announced, the cinemas are packed with all this worthy ‘great acting’, ‘great screenplay’ and ‘great cinematography’ crap that gets in the way of the superhero movies, and your kids have stopped playing with all the expensive toys you gave them a few weeks ago and have instead started hanging out on street corners, smoking cigarettes with that loose girl from number 68. It’s time for the nominations for The Oscars (or, as they insist on referring to themselves in a quaint but frankly ridiculous way, ‘The Academy Awards’).

Obviously the nominations aren’t out yet. I think they’re announced in a couple of days or something. What do you want? Research? Pffftttt. Google it yourselves! However, I do understand that this time of year is fraught with panic as you suddenly realise that your friends will laugh at you because you’ve only seen three of the films nominated for Best Picture, and your family may even disown you because you haven’t even heard of two of the actors up for supporting awards. Also you could actually go insane with excitement trying to work out which film that you’ve seen has the best make-up. So, set out below, I present to you my predictions for the forthcoming Oscar nominations. Read these and be sure to take in all the valuable information: that way you won’t look like a complete doofus during the coming days and weeks.

Best Picture:
Ride Along
Horrible Bosses 2
Mrs Brown’s Boys D’Movie
Grace Of Monaco
A Million Ways To Die In The West
Need For Speed
Men, Women and Children
(Popcorn Nights Prediction: Any one of these could feasibly win, but the smart money is on Men, Women and Children, because the Academy loves an ‘issues’ film.)

Best Meryl Streep:
Meryl Streep (Into The Woods)
Streep, Meryl (Into The Woods)
M. Streep (Into The Woods)
Ladies And Gentlemen: Ms Meryl Streep (Into The Woods)
Lymer Pester (Into The Woods)
(Popcorn Nights Prediction: Streep, Meryl for her performance in Into The Woods. It’s barely even a contest.)

Leading Candidate To Be The New Meryl Streep And Get Nominated For Everything They Do Award:
Jennifer Lawrence
Amy Adams
Jessica Chastain
Julianne Moore
Hilary Swank
Reese Witherspoon
(Popcorn Nights Prediction: Hmmmm. I’ll plump for Amy Adams.)

Best Male Nose:
Steve Carell (Foxcatcher)
Sir Ian McKellan (The Hobbit: The Battle Of The Five Armies)
Steve Carell (Foxcatcher)
Michael Keaton (Birdman)
Steve Carell (Foxcatcher)
(Popcorn Nights Prediction: Steve Carell to win by a nose.)

Best Film Overlooked By The Academy Because This Kind Of Stuff Is Made By Losers And Never Ever Wins:
The Babadook
Under The Skin
Only Lovers Left Alive
Transformers: Age Of Extinction
(Popcorn Nights Prediction: This is a straight fight between the horrendously-reviewed The Babadook and the critical darling of 2014, Transformers: Age Of Extinction.)

Best Film That Is Part Of A Series That Has Been Inexplicably Elongated So That It’s Actually As Long Or Longer Than The Godfather Trilogy, For Pity’s Sake:
The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part One
The Hobbit: The Battle Of The Five Armies
Taken 3
The Expendables 3
X-Men: Days Of Future Past
(Popcorn Nights Prediction: Easy. Taken 3. A half-decent thriller unfathomably stretched into three movies, the second two of which were utterly pointless. Textbook.)

Best Todger:
Shia LaBoeuf (Nymphomaniac)
Stellan Skarsgaard (Nymphomaniac)
Jean-Marc Barr (Nymphomaniac)
Jamie Bell (Nymphomaniac)
Willem Dafoe (Nymphomaniac)
(Popcorn Nights: It’s likely that Shia Laboeuf will win the golden erection this year for his magnificent jolly jack tar in Lars von Trier’s Nymphomaniac.)

The ‘Merica Award For Best Patriotism:
The Interview
‘Merican Sniper
Captain ‘Merica: The Winter Soldier
‘Merican Muscle
Made In ‘Merica
(Popcorn Nights Prediction: ‘Merican Sniper should win, but Citizenfour will probably emerge victorious due to its heartwarming story about an ordinary, selfless man who managed to get the NSA to do even more of their kooky illegal wiretapping and hacking stuff.)

Best Animated Film You Didn’t See Because Your Kids Have Forced You To Watch Frozen More Than 40 Times:
Rio 2
The Nut Job
Postman Pat The Movie
Penguins Of Madagascar
The Wind Rises
(Popcorn Nights Prediction: Frozen will win, despite not being nominated.)

Best Foreign Film That Pretentious People And Intellectuals Are Talking About That You Probably Won’t Bother Watching Because It Is Subtitled And In Foreign And Frankly It’s All About The Avengers And Star Wars And The Fucking Hunger Games For You, Isn’t It?
Two Days, One Night
Winter Sleep
Force Majeure
Like Father Like Son
Goodbye To Language
We Are The Best!
Closed Curtain
Yada Yada Yada
Does Anyone Ever Make It To The Bottom Of The Foreign Film List?
(Popcorn Nights Prediction: Quelle est la signification de ce prix? Nous ne permettrons jamais vos films terribles dans les Césars, imbéciles américains.)

Best Posh Brit:
Benedict Cumberbatch (The Imitation Game)
Eddie Redmayne (The Theory Of Everything)
Felicity Jones (The Theory Of Everything)
Ralph Fiennes (The Grand Budapest Hotel)
Rosamund Pike (Gone Girl)
Keira Knightley (Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit)
Colin Firth (Magic In The Moonlight)
Geoffrey from The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air (The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air)
(Popcorn Nights Prediction: Geoffrey from The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air to win for the 20th year in a row.)

The ‘Look At The Size Of My Bollocks’ Award For Loudest Picture:
Transformers: Age Of Extinction (Michael Bay)
Transformers: Age Of Extinction (Michael Bay)
Transformers: Age Of Extinction (Michael Bay)
Transformers: Age Of Extinction (Michael Bay)
Interstellar (Christopher Nolan)
(Popcorn Nights Prediction: Christopher Nolan will win for Interstellar, but only because there is a long-running conspiracy to deny Michael Bay the Oscar he so richly deserves.)

Best Oscar:
Oscar Isaac
Oscar Wilde
Oscar De La Hoya
Oscar Niemeyer
Oscar Pistorius
(Popcorn Nights Prediction: Despite Oscar Isaac being the frontrunner, given that he’s the only one involved in the film industry, there has been steadily growing support for Oscar Niemeyer and it’s possible the recently-deceased Brazilian architect has the momentum to steal this glorified golden toilet roll-holder.)

11 Responses to “The Popcorn Nights Guide To Oscar Nominations”

  1. Keith

    I tend to believe everything you say so I’m going to trust these predictions. Please don’t let me come out looking like a boob! I thought it first you may be being sarcastic, but then I saw Ride Along listed and I knew this was real!

    • Stu

      It’s as real as it gets my friend! Mark my words, when the nominations are finally released I expect to have a 100% prediction success rate.

  2. Veronika Z

    This is one of the most brilliant and hilarious posts I’ve ever seen. The part about best foreign films and best patriotism… I wouldn’t mind watching the awards show that would have your sense of humour!

  3. Todd Benefiel

    Ha! Can you believe I’ve only seen TWO of the films you’ve listed above, and both are in the ‘Posh Brit’ category? And more thing, Mr. UK Slangism: do I even want to know what ‘todger’, ‘jack tar’, and ‘plump for Amy Adams’ mean? I’m guessing they’re types of cheese, but maybe not.

    • Stu

      Jack tar isn’t really in common usage, but I am keen to bring it back. It is most definitely not a type of cheese. I will refrain from making a disgusting joke at this point.

  4. Carly

    I was having a shit day but this post made me feel so much better. The foreign film part was classic, as well as the thing about Frozen. Bravo!

    You might have inspired me to do my own Carly awards =)


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