Your Academy Award Questions Answered, With Terence Fletcher

Dear Terence,
Hello. I’m one of the directors of a popular Lego-oriented kid’s movie from 2014 that many adults also took to their hearts thanks to the film’s family-friendly good humour and catchy songs. Unfortunately the movie was overlooked when it came to the Oscar nominations, and there’s been a suggestion that the make-up of the Academy voters is to blame, as it’s heavily weighted towards human beings. Did you know that there isn’t a single Lego-fabricated character on the voting panel? Is this somehow indicative that the Academy is institutionally Legoist? Is there a way that a complaint can be filed? Do I need to be more vocal about this kind of thing?
Yours in film,
Phil L, Los Angeles

Dear Phil,
You are a worthless, friendless, faggot-lipped little piece of shit whose mommy left daddy when she figured out he wasn’t Eugene O’Neill and who’s now weeping and slobbering all over my drum set like a f**king nine-year-old girl! So for the final father-f**king time…say it louder!
Hope that helps,
Tel

Dear Terence,
You gotta help me man. I am so nervous. I’m due to host this year’s Oscar ceremony but during the past few weeks I’ve been having crazy panic attacks at the thought of it all. I mean, there are going to be some seriously famous and powerful people there, right? Bieber, Tony Danza, Jackie Stallone…and that’s just the front row. Plus I’ve agreed to perform a number with the orchestra but I keep getting it wrong. Sometimes I’m too fast, sometimes I’m too slow. It must be the nerves. What advice do you have for performers?
With best wishes,
Neil Patrick H, Los Angeles

Dear Neil,
Were you rushing or were you dragging? If you deliberately sabotage my band, I will gut you like a pig. Oh my dear God…are you one of those single tear people? Do I look like a double f**king rainbow to you? You are a worthless pansy-ass who is now weeping and slobbering all over my drumset like a nine year old girl.
Good luck,
Tel

Dear Terence,
Sorry, but I’m terribly, terribly ashamed to say that I recently referred to Lego figures as ‘those little dot-eyed yellow fellas’ during an interview, and even though I publically apologised straight away for this faux pas, I fear that the comment has somehow endeared me to those damn racists who vote for the Oscars each year. I don’t want to win the Best Actor award any more, because I just don’t want to be associated with their awful, narrow-minded xenophobia. Sorry. It was a simple, honest mistake, a direct result of my sheltered upbringing in the Castle of London, and I am in no way Legoist. Terribly, terribly sorry. Any tips for staying politically correct, particularly with regard to the use of archaic, offensive terminology or, more generally, racial slurs?
Terribly, terribly sorry,
Benedict C, London

Dear Benedict,
Now we got ourselves our mick f**king paddy-cracker. Did you know you look like a f**king leprechaun? I think I’ll call you Flannery.
Hope that helps,
Tel

whiplash6Terence Fletcher is a band leader, teacher and amateur freelance agony uncle. His advice column appears in 467 newspapers around the world every week.

Comments 7

  1. Carly February 20, 2015

    I haven’t even seen Whiplash yet (going this weekend at the last minute) but I’ve watched the trailer a million times. Regardless, this may be the funniest thing I’ve read. (thunderous applause)

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