Those canny cats at Disney have spent a whopping £10.99 on the Star Wars franchise – I haven’t checked the exact numbers but that looks about right to me – and rumour has it they’re going to be trotting out TEN Star Wars-related films a year between now and 2025. That’s good news for fans, but bad news for people who would rather stick pins in their eyes than sit through another minute of camp robots and talk of ‘The Force’. But at least they will be able to go and watch one of the 74 superhero films currently in production instead. Here’s a handy guide to the films we’re looking forward to the most…
Star Wars – IG-88 vs IG-89: A moving account of the painful divorce proceedings negotiated by assassin droid IG-88 and his partner, fellow assassin droid IG-89. There’s already a bit of Oscar buzz surrounding this one, and Ariane Grande is being talked up as a possible Best Actress contender for her performance as IG-90, the teenage daughter caught up in the middle of the heartbreak. To be written and directed by Billy Dee Williams.
Star Wars – Gungan Din: Slated for a 2019 release, Jar-Jar Binks is the star of this three hour black and white arthouse take on the Star Wars universe, which will be directed by Bela Tarr. Apparently a statement about audience expectation and dashed hopes, early drafts for the film indicated that fans can expect to see Jar-Jar delivering a series of long, straight-to-camera monologues, although Darth Maul turns up at the very end for thirty seconds to give whining viewers a taste of what could have been. Tarr previously retired from directing in 2012, but one call from Skywalker Ranch persuaded him to get back in the saddle with a loud ‘yee-ha’.
Star Wars – The Movie: A long-awaited ‘origin’ tale depicting the earlier days of popular series characters Luke, Han and Princess Leia as they tackle the Imperial Death Star with the help of Obi-Wan Kenobi. Footage of Alec Guinness was cobbled together from various Ealing comedies before being massaged and prodded into something usable by technical gurus, while series actors Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher and Harrison Ford have been digitally altered to within an inch of their lives in order to look 40 years younger. Unknown newcomer Lucas George is attached to the project, though his initial script included questionable scenes of rampant, unchecked incest, which have since been cut out by Disney enforcers.
Star Wars vs Predator vs Superman vs Aliens: What’s known in the trade as a ‘quad-bang’, this amalgamation of four different franchises promises to be a real treat for fans and idiots alike. Early leaked shots have shown Boba Fett grappling with a facehugger and young Anakin Skywalker getting his block knocked off by the Man of Steel. Zack Snyder is favourite to mis-direct this absurd and utterly depressing chaos.
Star Wars – Porkins Academy: Slightly different in tone to the rest of the series, this homage to saucy rompfest Porky’s follows aspiring pilots Porkins, Wedge and Biggs as they ‘earn their wings’ in the mixed-gender Rebel Academy. Includes a fresh twist on the line ‘they came from … behind’ that probably should have been left on the storyboard. Michael Haneke is pencilled in to helm this particular spot of risky business.
Polishing The Falcon: Legend has it that this long-rumoured documentary by Werner Herzog was destroyed in a gunfight in La Paz, Bolivia, but the German director recently cleared out his third bedroom and discovered that he still had the master tapes after all, stashed away in a box marked ‘Amerikaner Scheisse’. Herzog’s film is a warts-and-all behind-the-scenes look at the making of the critically-acclaimed 1978 Star Wars Holiday Special TV show, an entry into the Star Wars canon that hardcore fans have long considered to be even better than Empire.
Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (Special Edition): This is the one that people have been waiting for. George Lucas, previously limited by technical constraints when making popular prequel The Phantom Menace, is finally given free reign to present the film he really wanted to make. It’s pretty much the same as the original except for an added sub-plot involving Brian Blessed’s Gungan king and a leaky window, a scene in which a couple of CGI Imperial Guards ‘walk’ in front of the camera, and the inclusion of several new aliens based around barely-concealed and pathetic racial stereotypes. And, predictably, you’ll all pay to go and see it again, feeding the beast like the suckers you are.
Yoda And Marcie: An entertaining-looking faux-mumblecore spin-off in which a Long Island kindergarten teacher and weekend hipster named Houghton (Zed Zeatonella) paints himself green and permanently adopts the characteristics and manner of speaking of Yoda, the revered Jedi Master. Writer girlfriend Marcie (Maz Potemkin-Battle) initially goes with it, but after an hour or so of soul-searching and unclear dialogue eventually decides to chuck him. Written-and-directed-by Andrew Bujalksi this is.
Boba Fett and Bossk’s Excellent Adventure: Part-time bounty hunters and full-time stoners Bossk and Boba Fett combine for this slapstick romp in which the duo discover a time machine and travel into th future to visit several galaxies that are far, far away. Highlights include Boba Fett bedding Egyptian ruler Cleopatra and Bossk accidentally starting the First World War by mistaking Archduke Franz Ferdinand for the sought-after intergalactic smuggler and Rebel sympathiser Han Solo. Seth Rogen and James Franco are pencilled in to write, direct and star, with Paul Rudd providing a cameo as Dengar, the duo’s colleague and accident-prone dealer.
Star Wars: Attack Of The Jedi And Revenge Of The Sith: An hour of CCTV footage of studio suits as they milk an actual real-life cash cow for all it’s worth in a boardroom before retiring, smug-faced, to their giant Malibu mansions to count hideously large piles of money. Directed by Chantal Akerman.