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Watched: 7 September

It’s a shame to see a figure like Michael Apted, whose career is long and distinguished, churning out such a sub-standard terrorism/political thriller as this; Unlocked, put simply, is a mess of cliches and barely-credible plot twists with more than its fair share of laughably awful dialogue and ropey performances. Still, it’s quite good to see Noomi Rapace in a kind of cut-price Jason Bourne-style role, and I enjoyed a typically OTT John Malkovich, playing a CIA bigwig who also happens to be the best Skype conversationalist ever. However, Michael Douglas phones it in, Toni Colette’s MI5 chief has been inexplicably styled as Annie Lennox circa 1989 and Orlando Bloom’s efforts at a Cockney ex-soldier means that we have been bestowed with one of the worst – and therefore funniest – performances of 2017 to date. “I lav a tagine,” he says at one point, oblivious to his own mockney ridiculousness as he lays the salt-of-the-earth, diamond geezerness on way too thick. I do have some sympathy with the actors, though, given that they have to make do with a very poor script. Best forgotten, or avoided. (*)


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